MISFITS

I grew up in a very conservative environment where rules were followed to the latter. I was a tomboy since child hood and as a kid no one really cared of my looks as they said I was just a kid and I did not understand, but issues came out when I reached puberty where they all expected me to start behaving all girly and wearing makeup, try and look beautiful to attract boys in my class and maybe get some love notes from boys in my bag when our house help was cleaning my room. Well that was not the case for me. Questions started to raise from our family friends and asking my parents so many questions as to why they let me play with my brothers those boyish games and let me wear shorts and trousers, well my parents were strict church goers and their friends thought that a girl must wear dresses and skirts while the shorts and trousers were meant for the boys. Pressure was now laid on me with the help of my sisters my parents started to force me to wear skirts and dresses and for me, I did not understand what the big fuss was all about. Everything came to place when I went to high school where I met people from all walks of life, I was still different, even though I was in skirt I was still boyish and so I attracted more attention from older girls from the higher classes and for real I did not see why I should attract girls and not boys and so I also started questioning myself and asking myself what was happening to me. I tried to fit in with the girls in my class but it was not happening, I was just too different from them. I was a ‘boy’, I was not like them and this really depressed me.

One time a girl who was two years older than me came to me and said how much she liked me and that she wanted to be more than a friend to me. I kind of felt offended with that and walked away. This incident kept me thinking what this girl thought of me and why she was so interested in me. So I went to googling and searched for ‘tomboys’ and found out that most tomboys were lesbians and it hit me I could be a lesbian. If I was then why do I feel like I am not wanted in the community and why do my parents force me to look like a girl yet that’s not my personality, I am a tomboy period not some girly girl next door and my parents should not expect me to wear makeup or some short skirt to look gorgeous, I am gorgeous in my own way. I later on realized that it is not cool to be lesbian especially in the community I grew up in. The older girl and I got involved for some time in school but when were discovered it was a long case that I could not handle and so I was suspended while the girl was expelled as it was not her first time to do that. Was it her mistake that she loved women, was it mine that I am a tomboy and I attract women and get attracted to them. I raised these questions to myself. After my suspension, my classmates became so distant to me and each day I missed the older girl who was mu only friend. My classmates did not understand me and so they kept a distance from me as they were afraid of me converting them or something. I got a new friend who was just a good friend to me but she got suspended for being my friend, I ran away from school and asked my parents to get me a new school. I ended up going back to my old school and life was now very different. I was a loner in school, did stuff by myself, no one wanted me in their discussion groups. So I was just alone for the rest of my life in high school and this made me feel like I was a misfit.

There are many people who go through the same issue; feeling discouraged for no one understands you and your sexuality, we are put as misfits in our own community where we expect people to love us and care for us. At times we are attacked either verbally or physically but its a passing wind, we might have a long way to go but one thing I know we exist and are here to stay, we are never understood and we are set aside and avoided like we are some kind of plague.....THE MISFITS WE ARE