TRY THESE STUNTS IN NAKUMATT…. You will so make the news.

 Many of us try to be noticed and just make it in the news, well other say that you wash your clothes with Toss for them to be brighter and you will get noticed, well thats a lie i tried for a month to do my clothes with toss but it was the same as doing them with Kipanga soap, bora ni safi ama? So I have been thinking how can be noticed and well I thought Toss the gentle soap will not do for me.

I was doing my monthly shopping the other day and decided to do Nakumatt. Ok usually I do Tuskys, so in the supermarket I felt that Nakumatt is too serious and my photoshoped crazy active imagination started to wander, standing on the queue I started thinking what it is I can do to just get this serious feeling out of the supermarket.

Well do not try this unless you are as brave as my photoshoped imagination.

 

1. Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Stores to go off at 5-minute intervals  

3.  Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, "Code 3 in the stores. Get on it right away."

5. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a box of chocolates on lay-away.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if she could help you start crying and scream, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people are browsing through, yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assumed a fatal position and scream "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

16. When you are caught call your bestest friend and tell her they are trying to kill you.

17. And Finally never say I did not warn you.

SILENT TEARS!

It is so hurting to lose a loved one the pain is piercing to the heart that you cannot breath. The other day I met this friend of mine in town and he was in hurry as always but this time he had time for me and we chat for some time and he boasted how he cannot wait to go to nyayo for the game. I joked at him telling him he could still watch it on DSTV... so i asked him to keep me posted on the game since I will be staying home that day and wait for the out come.

I never knew that was the last I will see of him... when the news broke out that guys died at nyayo stadium, I did not get that cold rush for I knew my friend was OK... he told me he would go there early to get him self a good spot where he could have a good aerial view of the match.

Now I cant stop tearing over him, was that his way of saying goodbye, the fact that he was not in a great hurry that day.

Vic for all the care you gave me on my first day at work... here is a poem for you.

You are with me everyday,

I feel you with every breath,

Your thought is with me,
With every decision I make.

You have been with me until now,
And it is hard to face,
That you are finally gone,
And I will never see you again.

Your hands, your touch, your smile,
Are things I will never forget,
All the love you shared with me,
And all the tears and pain you made go away.

In our short time together,
All the memories we had,
Will last in my heart,
Those memories I will never forget.

Although you have left,
Now you walk above,
You are always with me,
I'm always surrounded by your love.

Now you don't have to worry,
For your love will be passed on,
‘Cause even though you left me,
You are Always in my Heart.

LESBIAN RULES ON FUCKING

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. LIFE just four letters yet the biggest of all. Life is full of rules that bind, tie or untie us. But Rules help us avoid chaos they help us keep our community together.... OK now that was too philosophical and am not all that. Anyway remember when we were young and playing games like tapo, bladder, rounders, shake etc, we made our own rules, and these rules were different in all communities. Well this is my diary and as a lesbian I have some rules that i thought i would share....well not exactly rules that should be followed......

1 the first objective should be sex, regardless if the girl is straight or not.

2 I get naked, you get naked too. PERIOD!

3 No sign to show I want to fuck, you want I want lets get busy.

4 You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks, but I can show a straight dog gay tricks.

5 Don't rub the lamb if you if you don't want the genie to come out.

6 The morning after you and a girl who was formally 'just a friend' have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion of 'what a big mistake it was' occurs.

7 Call it what you want but it's just two pussy's getting to know each other. End of story.

8 No matter how many times you have had it, if it's offered take it, because it will never be quite the same.

9 Sex has no calories.

10 Virginity can be cured.

11 Sex is dirty only when it's done right.

12 She will be beautiful when the lights are out. Take her home!

13 Love your neighbor but don't get caught.

14 Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

15 Sex is a 3 letter word which needs some old fashioned 4 letter word to convey it's full meaning. F-U-C-K

16 One good turn gets most of the blanket.

17 Thou shalt not commit adultery.... unless you are in the mood.

18 Abstain from wine, women and song, especially song.

19 Don't do it if you cant keep it. unless you want me to shut you up.

20 ALWAYS say that she is the best you've ever had.

21 Learn to toss your hair around, even if it's short.

22 Fake orgasms when necessary. She also get tired to make you cum when you take forever.

23 Do it secretly in public places.

24 And Lastly Keep it Safe.

TOTO'S KORNA REMIX

OK, now my whore gives me psyche to meet her at the Toto's korna for a drink or two and being a Friday I did not want to risk carrying my lap top with me, so I left in the office and just took my bag and left for Toto's Korna at 5.30pm. my whore was going crazy about this visitor who was to visit Toto's Korna that day and how she could not wait to see and maybe take her home... that is so typically my whore..... I got to Toto's Korna and my Whore was seated with the clande as usual sipping on their cold drinks, my thirst for my cold bear was unbearable so I sat down and called for the waiter immediately, my whore was yapping about this gal that she wanted us all to meet and so we could not wait and see this gal that my whore thought she could chippoh and take home that night, tik tok tik tok, behind the blaring music ny whore left for us for a moment and went out to pick someone, of course with the much anticipation what else would she be going for? a few minutes later she back inside with___________________ uh how do I put this with....... fuck! some one give me that word... damn! urgkh!!!!! CHIPPOH! yea al call her that, uuuhhhhhh! :-/ ahem! so she came and sat down on our table and Clande and I looked at her after the introductions and since she was my whore's visitor we let them talk for a while as we were trying to read what kind of a person she is, well she was talking and talking and talking and talking and talking ....YAWN!!!!!!!!  and talking and talking and.....we  were all shushed at the Korna like we could not make noise like we always do, where the hell is Mama B, she had not shown up yet and for real this Chippoh was getting into my nerves seriously, she was not letting us talk, it was all about her and when someone talks about something, well she will top it up in her own like she want to hold the BONGA crown for the night, so I texted my Whore and asked, 'WTF!' We could not for her to get high or something and go home, moments later the chippoh brought her visitor too,  now Mayo, Chippohs guest joined our table and my whore as her nature left the table and went I don't know where only coming back with some guy that...... yea some guy that..... nkt! I cant remember he face and what I thought of him at that moment, anyway they left our table and took another table somewhere else now that my Whore ducked her guest it was time for Clande and I to duck and leave the table,so we moved to a better and spacious Korna where we now sat and started to laugh at My Whore the so thought Clande and how her cob webs will be cleaned up that night. The chippoh was busy chatting with her friend Mayo while Clande and I were busy talking about her... btw do you know she hit my arm hard? wow! she gat a heavy hand, one serious slap and you are dead... anyway My Whore came back a few moments later, drunk as hell, later found out that she drunk to forget her failing night so in one way or another we had to spice up the evening, I got mad funs in the club for my dancing and my drinks were coming like a nonsense, Chippoh really wanted to fit in and so when Mama B came, she found that we already high on Hell knows what and so she had to scream for us to get her attention and u know Chippoh screamed back like they were Bff's? WTF! was Mama B's reaction. As the night progressed chippoh had to leave us in the club, and Oh before that Mayo was throwing vibe at my Whore, asking all types of questions and ofcourse he knew were all lesbians buy n=my whore benefited from him, a glass of famous grouse! did she really finish it?

Hahahahahha! back to our table after her boring chippoh left with her Mayo, my whore came back to our table, she was so high and my bottles were now down to 2, but all this went down to glasses after my whore tripped on the table, now we had to pay 100/= for broken glass, but with Mama B and her big mouth..... just guess what happened, i do not think if Toto's korna will be visited anytime soon unless we keep it low for things to settle down.

Now pombe ni mbaya na ni muongo, who said that when you are drunk you rule the world, wish you saw the drunken girls walking and disturbing some innocent girls on the street, well here is a little advice for you  ILE SIKU MTACHAPIWA KWA BARA BARA JUU YA UCHOKOZI, MTAWACHA POMBE, and that goes for me too.

TOTO'S KORNA

After writing the RULES OF LESBIAN LIVING, I got some reactions from my close friends and so my friends decided we go have a drink at our local hung out and discuss the rules. When I got the texts from my friends asking me what I was thinking when I came up with the rules, others thought it was funny and real and others felt I was out on my mind and some rules they did not understand, I was in a long endless meeting that the texts were the only thing that kept me alive in that meeting otherwise, I would be long zoned out to a world of my own. With my friends insisting on going, I imagined an exiting meeting with my friends and the agenda being RULES OF LESBIAN LIVING. Interesting huh? I could not wait for this meeting to end and my friends and I meet under the cool music sipping some cold beer and me smoking my lungs black.

At exactly 5.00pm, I parked my bags ready to leave the office, I asked one of my friends to print out the rules so we could go through them at the 'meeting'. My best friend was first to come, I call her my Whore for any time I need her, or she needs me, we always there for each other. We became tight over a short period of time, and the fact that she is not ready to settle even though she has beautiful girls on her neck, who want to be with her... what the hell is wrong with you, Whore get one and settle. So she calls me to ask how far I am from getting to our joint, withing a few minutes I was there and saw her at our usual place, Toto,s Korna. so after ordering our first drinks, next came her clande, well we both met her recently and found that she is one of good company that we really enjoyed hanging out with her.  They walk together from work and they are always online talking to each other and laughing at other peoples pain and drama. So the Clande walks in with another beautiful woman and my Whore and I started thinking who she could be, once the introductions were done we settled for mistress, we did not know her and the fact that she came in with my Whore's Clande then she is her mistress and the fact that they were talking in low tones. Moments later, the crowd was getting bigger, my friend, i did not mention her, I came in with her, we do not have a name for her yet but as long as she hangs out with us, later she will get hers, well she met her primary or is nursery school sweetheart so they were both engaged in there little talks and catching up on what life is and stuff, thats the much I could hear from my eavesdropping, so yea the crowd was getting bigger and Mama B had a grand entrance, well its not easy to have big tois and still look very beautiful, hahahaha Mama B our mama and the house hold grows day in day out. Last time I checked we had a brother who thinks she is a Diva, talk of Beyonce, Lady Gaga.....well its in his head so he/she looks like one of the divas. Well i do not know how that went but sooner or later we shall find out from Mama B. Our table was full so we had to get an alternative, go to the balcony where we had enough space even to move our legs, so yea we just having a great time reading the RULES OF LESBIAN LIVING, when my whore left for a moment, when she came back.....uh la la la! Behind her was this pretty little lass, with some pretty lassy smile, so My whore does the introductions and to say the truth I cannot remember her name, I was not high when she was being introduced to me but I zoned out when she was being introduced to us...tsk tsk tsk...do not ak me what I was thinking of.

My whore's Clande and her Mistress were in their own worlds, seriously we supposed to have a meeting , not private chat so we had to pull their attention, we asked the Clande wich rule she found fascinating, apparently every one liked Rule # 26. 'It can't be a sin. We are not even IN the Bible. ' I could not agree more. They wondered why I did not put a rule on those who think that being a lesbian is to be a butch and be all rough and a 'bad boy'. I had the perfect answer. Rule # 14. 'You should not consider yourself lesbian-impaired if you do not own a chainsaw.' Why should you think you are not lesbian enough if you do not act rough and deepen your voice, Ok seriously if you deepen your voice to look like a guy and start katiaing chics because you feel like a lesbian boy, then i advice you to start taking hormones and call yourself something else and not lesbian. Coz you look ridiculous when you so look like a woman with feminine face, breast and top of the list PUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rule # 5 was also interesting. 'It's a law. After six months, all lesbian couples will walk alike. After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word "hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable (in my case it only took one year and now even my mother can't tell us apart...) After twenty years, all lesbian couples - regrettably - will have the same body.' thats what I felt, in one way or another we get so attached to our partners that we start having similarities and act the same, interesting huh? my friends feared if the las part of the statement is true then, one has to work hard on teir bodies coz in most cases you will take the big body if your partner has a big one :-p.

The night was getting better so we decided to switch clubs and so we left Toto's Korna to another joint, well with the excitement and all I lost my wallet and thats how my beautiful evening with Toto's family died :-( .

Mad love Toto's Family 

RULES OF LESBIAN LIVING

Well I am lesbian and identify as a full lesbian. it is sad that whether we like it or not there rules that bind us...u may call them stupid but i do not. i have been thinking for sometime about how we lesbian act and came up with these rules of living as a lesbian.....

1. It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you BEFORE the first date.

2. The average time between lesbian relationships is MINUS three point seven minutes.

3. "I love you" is NOT a question.

4. The term 'lesbian therapist' is redundant.

5. It's a law. After six months, all lesbian couples will walk alike. After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word "hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable (in my case it only took one year and now even my mother can't tell us apart...) After twenty years, all lesbian couples - regrettably - will have the same body.

6. Life is a process. Lesbian life is the process of processing the process.

7. There's no such thing as lesbian divorce. There is only thermonuclear war. And then best friends.

8. "No"and "Ok" are complete sentences.

9. Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.

10. Lesbians can be of the same clique, but they are NOT of the same species.

11. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."

12. It is not against any written lesbian law to wear pantyhose. They just seem silly under your basketball uniform.

13. Put more than two lesbians in a room and it's always a debate.

14. You should not consider yourself lesbian-impaired if you do not own a chainsaw.

15. In the olden days, it was believed there were only seven lesbians in the whole world, and the rest was done with mirrors. We know now there are MILLIONS of lesbians but only seven lesbian HAIRCUTS.

16. The average lesbian date lasts approximately three years.

17. Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

18. Being politically active and being politically correct are not the same thing.

19. There are only two kinds of lesbians. Those who have been to the African Womyn's Festival. And those who shave their body parts.

20. Serial monogamy is swell until you get tired of the same old serial every morning.

21. The best place to find the role model you're looking for is in the mirror. Sometimes it's the ONLY place.

22. It is nearly impossible for a lesbian to have a best friend she has not been previously married to. Or won't soon be married to.

23. You will never spell women/wimmin/wymin in a manner that will be acceptable to ALL of them.

24. Don't act normal, act normally.

25. We are ten million women waiting for someone else to ask us to dance.

26. It can't be a sin. We are not even IN the Bible.

27. Are there Hetero-sapiens?

28. If you are planning any activity at which you don't want to be interrupted, feed the cat first!

MY FUNS

Today I could not think of what to right.... I know its my diary but sometimes I get blank on what to write.

Watch this space for my next issue  and also give me ideas on what you would like to see here its my blog but you also read it. share your views and thank you for reading.

Please refer people to the blog, let your friends know about it and ask them to follow it.

Thank you once again.

AFTER VICLISA DRAMA

I though I will start off my weekend on a high note but this was not meant to be since Vic and Lisa were all over my neck and space. My air was tight and I really felt suffocated in my own space. Embraced by the thought of my love steeped in the silence of my loneliness, I sat on my desk in my room drafting and scribbling on my note pad and having nothing to write about. My mind was already tired and the light from my lamb flickered in my room causing dead images on my wall. the fear of losing my best friend crawled in and my heart sank deep to my belly. After Lisa sent me a text which I thought was my best friend, with my anger I called best friend to scold him instead of asking for an explanation. My best friend came to know of my darkest secret that i had kept from him for over 3 years. I held my breath so hard when he called me, he asked me to meet him in town where we could have a conversation and know what really is happening. My spine went cold and my mouth got dry with the dust of fear of losing my best friend.

Well it was around 7:30 pm and the thought of leaving my house and go to town to meet him was draining my brains. I took my jacket off the hook and called my taxi guy to drop me at the shopping center. On reaching the shopping center I call Vic back to ask him to come to the shopping center which was central to both of us than going into town. I looked for a place where he could easily spot me, I settled for this restaurant just next to the road. the ambiance in it really opened the fear in me, the walls were painted red and black, the light was dim and cream chandelier hung graciously at the center of the restaurant, on the walls, lamps with red light were mounted giving the restaurant an aura of glory. Everything in the restaurant seemed to be just a vibration. Every atom, every part of an atom, every electron, every elementary “particle”, even my thoughts and consciousness became vibrations. I walked to the balcony where i chose an open place for Vic to find me easily, the music was not very loud and deafening at the balcony so we could easily talk, I ordered for my cold beer and a pack of my dunhill menthol to calm me. I lit up my cigarette and sipped my beer, that feeling is what i was longing for, the cold beer meeting with the hot smoke in my mouth and the feeling rolling calmly in my chest. I was enjoying the cold beer when my phone rang. It was Vic, he was asking where I was and so I told him to find me.

I wish I insisted on talking on the phone, he walked in with Lisa trailing behind him, my feet felt cold and numb. They got to the table and we shook hands and i welcomed them to the table, it was a meeting to solve issues that I thought was just stupid. I sat to listen, they ordered their drinks and Vic got me another cold beer, I wished I took some tots of hard liquor before they got there, i flashed my first beer to take me away fast, I needed to be high. Vic started talking asking us questions on how far us guys went and how long it was going on, well you guys read my previous story, that is exactly what happened. In a nut shell, she called me in the house asked me questions about Vic and I. if we have gad sex before and all that crap. she wanted to get laid, and not by Vic but me. she had hots for me and I did not know, having taken one too many and gotten high, one thing led to another and she was lying naked next to me blacked out by ecstasy. Lisa on the other hand confessed that after that night she has been wanting to lay another woman, in essence she turned bisexual an she has been lying to Vic all this time. For her to text me, she wanted a recap of what we had 3 years ago, why? because... she has been looking for a girl who would do her like I did to give her a black out. She used Vic's phone and forgot to sign with her name, she also forgot to delete from sent items and thats how her 40th day came. 

Well I am sorry for Vic and Lisa, Vic has lost the love of her life on my account, Lisa has lost the trust Vic had for her and me, I lost my best friend who i could always come to when I needed someone to talk to and share my deepest feelings with. Some one who was more than life to me. Someone I really trusted to always be by me, for a stupid deed I did 3 years ago.

I am  sorry Vic.

That was  the beginning of my weekend, but all things turned up well in the course of the weekend having my house full, loving friends and partner filled my house. My weekend was finally well spent, eating and drinking together. My love giving me the night to remember, pouring all her love to me physically and emotionally, her cute face next to me in bed just made me forget all the hurt ache I went through the previous day, then I remembered I have a  reason for living, the beautiful woman who came to my life when I really needed her, and still there when I need her, needs me too. My weekend turned out so awesomely thats I wished to stop the hands of time and just have her with him for as long as the hand could stop.

My friends just made my weekend a happy one......

PEACE!

STRAIGHT??????

In campus I had this friend of mine, dude, we were the best of friends and guys thought we are dating or something, ok seriously we were very tight that I could spend a night on his bed his single room house, something that made him not date easily coz chics could not believe that him and I are just best friends. Luckily he knew I was a lesbian and he loved my company and each time after classes he would come for me and walk me home or something. He made my campus life a lot easier with no guys hitting on me. Now that we are off campus and each person is living personal lives though we meet once in a while for sleepovers and all, we still maintain our sex free relationship, and each time we see each other we have new updates for each other and that’s what I love about our relationship, we may stay for more than 2 months with no communication, which reminds me, I got a text from a friend of mine which reads “Do you know the relationship between your eyes? They blink together, move together, cry together, see things together and sleep together, though they never see each other. Friendship should be like that. Life is hell without friends, send this to all your friends including me if am one of them.” Then I thought of my best friend and how we have been separated by fate but still maintain our mutual relationship, this is six years down the line.

Back to my best friend, he met a girl and insisted on us guys meeting to clear the air that he is already dating, well I went for the dinner I was invited for and found her in the kitchen making some dinner, as usual my best friend and I have a ritual greeting that comes automatically, so yea we got to our little ritual and this girl was at the kitchen door staring and rolled her eyes then went back to the kitchen. I did not bother so my best friend and I went to the living room after I waved a high 5 to the girl, took some cold bear…mmmmh just how I like it…. So we get down to talking none stop kama kawaida. We did not notice the food was ready so we were talking and laughing our butts loud. She calls us for dinner then I remembered there was an agenda for the meeting so I started asking question, trying to know the girl. And each time I was talking about me, Vic, my best friend would finish my sentences and I his. Now it was getting into her nerves and asked Vic to the kitchen for a talk or something or maybe make out I don’t know, apparently she wanted to know how come Vic could not finish her sentences like he does mine, well I don’t know what answer he gave. That was a bad start with my best friends girlfriend, anyway a few months down the line we became very good friends and each time I was coming over to either spend or have dinner she would really get excited and make my favorite, chapatti and beans or dengu.

On one particular occasion Vic travelled and the girlfriend invited me over, so when I got there, dinner was ready and I asked of Vic’s whereabouts and she said that he had travelled upcountry and she felt lonely and thought of inviting me over to keep her company since I’m like a sister to her. Ok this is crap! I thought but just let it pass, after dinner we sat down for a movie and she brought me cold beer, wow I love this. In the middle of the movie and my second beer, she shot the question, “so you and Vic have never had sex?” Chic if we had sex I wouldn’t be here meeting you and imagining the shit we used to do with your boyfriend.

“No, we have never, he has been my best friend for years.”

 It was getting weird with the more she opened her mouth to ask me questions and so I snapped at her and told her I am a lesbian and I do not do dicks and thus her boyfriend and I cannot have sex for whatever reason.  Ok now she started to stare at me and smiling sheepishly, “does Vic know am here?” ok that was a stupid question I asked. This girl is hot, with very nice boobiz, colgate teeth, long fingers with short nails, I mean she is one to die for. She is tall. Five foot eight, dark hair. Her face is pretty, even lovely with those pouty lips and high cheekbones, she is dropping gorgeous and I could not stop staring at her as she tried to flirt with me.  Her waist was slim, and her hips were full, and her legs were long and shapely with rich calves fairly rippling with her muscles. I am sure many men had told her that she had the most beautiful legs that they'd ever seen, for real this girl I think of to this date. I realized that Lisa, my best friend’s girlfriend, was stroking my arm. Goose bumps rose beneath her gentle touch. I raised my eyes to look into Lisa's steady brown ones and saw lust there, lust that stirred my groin just because someone was attracted to me and yet the boyfriend is my best friend. "Have you ever done, you know, anything with a woman before?" She said no and said she wouldn’t mind if I was the first. Ok now that statement gave me a major turn on and that sexy voice that she spoke with, I didn’t wait for her to talk any more I started kissing her, rubbing her boobiez.  I tossed Lisa's robe aside and slid my hand between her legs and squeezed the damp crotch of her panties.Lisa raised her hips as I worked to pull down her panties. "You have really sexy legs," I breathed, running my hands over them. My eyes locked on to the dark delta in the center of Lisa's hips, "In fact, you're pretty everywhere. Really pretty!"Almost as if it were someone else's voice, I heard Lisa say, "I think you're sexy, too." Using the palms of my hands, I spread Lisa's thighs and began exploring Lisa's slit with my fingers. My hand worked slowly, sliding two fingers up Lisa's vagina. Lisa rocked her hips, gently fucking. Each time she came down on my hand, my thumb pressed against her clit. Just as she thought she might come, I pulled my hand away. She wanted more of that.  She whimpered. "Not yet, darling," I said with a broad grin dimpling my cheeks. I had a few freckles lightly sprinkled across my nose that Lisa found very endearing at that moment as I knelt between her thighs and lowered my head into her hungry lap. Lisa closed her eyes with ecstasy as she felt my hot moist tongue wash her vulva and then begin to systematically explore every nook and cranny of her pussy.

Lisa raised her knees by propping her heels on the edge of the couch and reached down, spreading her swollen lips wide with her hands. She peeked at me worshiping between her legs and felt rather than saw the two fingers reentering her vagina. I licked and fucked her slowly, my eyes gazing adoringly and shamelessly up into Lisa’s.

"I'm going to come!"

"Don't." I commanded. Before I could blink my eyes she game this scream of ecstasy, she clenched her fist as she pulled my head closer then she pulled my dreads as she tried to catch a breath.  I stood up went to the shower and took 15 minutes to just let the water run on me then came back finished my beer and never talked about it. This was last year. So yesterday she sends me a text saying how much she is missing me, and misses my love making and she would want me to go to her house and just feel her…. :P I just smiled and thought of the last time we had sex…ok I fucked her so I took my bag put off my phone and headed home for I was having this terrible headache that I just wanted to go home and sleep.

LEZOPLANET

Well this is supposed to be my diary right? And each day I have something to right about, well now I am doing a daily thing because interesting things keep on happening and I just want to write and post to and share it with people I know. Well as more and more drama unfolds I guess I think of changing my career to something more interesting, mhm…. Let me see… I may go into casting, but that is a kidogo jobo, I want something that has mph! Something that will give me the power, well there is script writing too, ok its good right? But come to think of directing, yea directing would do. You know sitting on that rolling chair, smoking my cigar and telling the cast what to do and what not to do. Good idea huh? Better still I can do all, script, cast, direct and market coz this drama is just enough to get me to the Oscars. A dream that all celebz have in one way or another. It could be comic, horror, action or a bit of all. We have heard of physical stubbing, mental rubbing, name calling I mean enough drama to make your heart sink, to make your heart skip a beat, to crack you ribs and all. This drama can roll a whole 2 hour cinema to make me rich… ha ha ha ha think in terms of them doh, but do I say. Now what to call it? Mhm…we have watched the L-word, full of sex, heart breaks, love, talk of the real L-word with its drama, love, sex and alcohol on the folds. So I want a catchy name for it u know a name that will just call people to come and watch it. I thought of Lesville but lesbian desperate housewives came to mind. Lesville as the call the real Lesville of desperate lesbians trying to seek attention and I did not want that for my very expensive script,  wait! I could use initials like when you hear of CSI you think of detective an investigative movie, or when you hear of 411 then informative comes to mind, so what can I use? I want it worth the time of painfully gluing your eyes to some humongous screen, feeding yourself with some expensive pop corn and soda that costs triple of how you would get it in the local vendor. That aside, so we have lesbians and drama, Le-drama? Nuh that’s too obvious.  Actually the L-word is being remixed in Nairobi, come tp think of it. We have seen our very own Shanes, Bettes, Tinas, Als, name them. Most of what we have watched in L-word is being remixed in Lesville.

Imagine Homos in their own planet? Sounds like national geographic, and that’s the irony in it, read IRONY. Since this is for lesbian (Gay dudes, my brothers sorry give me sweetness I will involve you) I decided on Lezoplanet with a scary back cover as dark as all the drama in Lesville, blood shot eyes, angry teeth and hungry tongues and fingers.  Kick ass lovers, and break hear frienemies. I can imagine how all this would come into place. If I could right how the sound track goes and I would. Trust me the Lesville drama is sweeter than the L-word drama, with the all the booze, blunts, sex, merry go rounds I mean this thing is on point and the best part is its right there at your door step and only that it is not shown on the big screen but it is lived.

Wow! Lezoplanet….where you can be what you want to be.

BAD....... ME HEAD

The streets were very clear and all I could think was that cold drink after a long days work. My best friend was waiting for me at a local joint, our favorite joint. I tried to hasten my steps just to be there on time and get all the udakus of the week and catch up on the updates of the day.  It was that sunny afternoon that I met some of the lesbians in Nairobi. It was really interesting so I got there and once I spotted my best friend we sat down to chat and catch up with what was pending over the week, who missed what, who met who, who broke up with who, who is dating who and the normal udakus girls would sit and talk. I do not drink myself but I was thirsty for a cold bear and my oh my there it was, I could not wait for the waiter to open it, I did it with my teeth (a painful experience), I had to feel that cold bear down my throat and listen to this crazy udaku my pal had for me. We were seated at the balcony of the club and we had a clear view of the street below. Discussing the female anatomy and geography laughing our ribs out to the funny geographies we saw (such an evil habit). But we were enjoying every bit of it, just then this girl from I don’t know just popped in and tapped my shoulder. Well I looked up and was mesmerized by the site, the noisy me was replaced by a silent me that is not easy to see. There was something about her so I just stared at her as she pointed something out to me of which I was not thinking, I was just staring at this beauty that tapped my shoulder, my eyes landed on her boobs and my oh my, my head went to another world, there they were, calling out my name. Wait! How did they know my name, I was actually talking to them….I mean talking at them, yea talking to them that’s the right grammar. I was now clenching my fist not to make a bad move, then I saw an ash tray pass my face, and the boobies we talking no more and my mind came back to reality, the girl walking away and my friend talking…..actually not my friend, the bums were now calling my name and saying something that I was trying so hard to listen to. So I was staring as she was walking away, and the voices of the bums echoing somewhere in the loud music. Then I heard something talk to me, it was so close that I actually talked back loudly. Oh shoot! It wasn’t something but someone calling my name for real. That was my best friend wondering what was happening to me.

Now I get it the girl wanted me to pass the ash tray, and all along she was talking I was busy staring, my friend had to pass the ash tray, and as she was walking away my friend was trying to get my attention but all along I thought the bums were talking to me, silly me. Now that became a laughing matter between my best friend and I.  I wished I could just walk up to her and just tell her how hot she looked and I would love to buy her coffee, but dare you try that in the city then you will face the wrath of the possessive and jealous boyfriend so I let it pass and continued to eat her with my head and wishing upon wishes that she could be mine. If only I was accepted in this society then I would not fear and face her and tell her how I felt. This is what most of us fear to be beaten or bashed by people around us for being us, I am 100% sure that when I was staring, some heterosexuals were really pissed by me, but do you blame me for being me and loving something that I find mesmerizing? I do not think so, it is me, and it is me that has feelings with my own and it’s something that I cannot explain. I just hope I will meet her again some place where I can actually stop her and just tell her how I feel.

BOYS AND BOYS, GIRLS AND GIRLS

“Remarks attributed to Special Programmers’ minister Esther Murugi that Kenyans should acknowledge that homosexuality is amongst us and learn to live with it has sparked a heated debate…” I quote the Daily nation dated Wednesday October 6^th 2010. I wonder what is there to be debated about, homosexuals are here and they have been here for years, we have been having a blind eye not to not to notice them but now that someone noticed them and raised an issue about them we want to condemn them, question is, why? My life as a lesbian in Nairobi has been in the closet for a long time, I never wanted anyone especially in my family to know that I am lesbian, I wanted to hide no more and so I came out to them, first my sisters then my brothers and lastly my parents, trust me it was not easy, coming from a conservative environment, my parents faced the wrath of their own child growing up to be a lesbian, they finally came to terms, but their friends did not. Now their friends wanted to play my parents in my life and I did not agree to it so I have kept off from them. The article on the daily nation reminds me when I was outed by the same paper in May during the International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO), I felt like my privacy was invaded and my life was taking a different twist. At that moment I hated my life and what it was becoming, I wanted to run away and leave my fears behind, the fears of being shunned away by the community I knew as home, by people I called family and by the person I loved most. My life was a living hell, things I only dreamt about, I stood strong to face the fears and I should say it never killed me but made me stronger. The media has a way of really making our lives hell, something that we all hate, we wish to have something positive in our lives but the media will always make our lives look so negative, comparing us to rapists, thugs, thieves and classifying us with sex and drugs. Something that pulls our ego down to the drains.

If I could just highlight some of the issues brought up in this article, talking of homosexuality and morals I believe that morals are personal matters, you fear what you do not know but once you know then you get comfortable with it.  Is it that people need to be told about homosexuals to accept them or what? I believe all those religious leaders and homophobes out there who are really against the homosexuals have a dark part of their lives that once is let out will be a shocker. They look at the speck in our eyes and forget to remove the logs in their own eyes. They forget we are humans and classify us to aliens of which need to be evicted from what they called home to God knows where. For how long shall we live in fear and hide from what we call life and live a life full of lies for the rest of our lives? As an African as they say do you think a white guy took a piece of chalk and some black board somewhere and taught me how to be a lesbian? The same people who condemn us are the same people that have a hidden part in their lives that they deny; they live in denial and hence put all their pain and wrath upon the homosexuals. Kenya has far much bigger issues like corruption, poverty, ignorance and disease to deal with, instead of homosexuality. It is to these issues that we should devote our attention.

 

 

MISFITS

I grew up in a very conservative environment where rules were followed to the latter. I was a tomboy since child hood and as a kid no one really cared of my looks as they said I was just a kid and I did not understand, but issues came out when I reached puberty where they all expected me to start behaving all girly and wearing makeup, try and look beautiful to attract boys in my class and maybe get some love notes from boys in my bag when our house help was cleaning my room. Well that was not the case for me. Questions started to raise from our family friends and asking my parents so many questions as to why they let me play with my brothers those boyish games and let me wear shorts and trousers, well my parents were strict church goers and their friends thought that a girl must wear dresses and skirts while the shorts and trousers were meant for the boys. Pressure was now laid on me with the help of my sisters my parents started to force me to wear skirts and dresses and for me, I did not understand what the big fuss was all about. Everything came to place when I went to high school where I met people from all walks of life, I was still different, even though I was in skirt I was still boyish and so I attracted more attention from older girls from the higher classes and for real I did not see why I should attract girls and not boys and so I also started questioning myself and asking myself what was happening to me. I tried to fit in with the girls in my class but it was not happening, I was just too different from them. I was a ‘boy’, I was not like them and this really depressed me.

One time a girl who was two years older than me came to me and said how much she liked me and that she wanted to be more than a friend to me. I kind of felt offended with that and walked away. This incident kept me thinking what this girl thought of me and why she was so interested in me. So I went to googling and searched for ‘tomboys’ and found out that most tomboys were lesbians and it hit me I could be a lesbian. If I was then why do I feel like I am not wanted in the community and why do my parents force me to look like a girl yet that’s not my personality, I am a tomboy period not some girly girl next door and my parents should not expect me to wear makeup or some short skirt to look gorgeous, I am gorgeous in my own way. I later on realized that it is not cool to be lesbian especially in the community I grew up in. The older girl and I got involved for some time in school but when were discovered it was a long case that I could not handle and so I was suspended while the girl was expelled as it was not her first time to do that. Was it her mistake that she loved women, was it mine that I am a tomboy and I attract women and get attracted to them. I raised these questions to myself. After my suspension, my classmates became so distant to me and each day I missed the older girl who was mu only friend. My classmates did not understand me and so they kept a distance from me as they were afraid of me converting them or something. I got a new friend who was just a good friend to me but she got suspended for being my friend, I ran away from school and asked my parents to get me a new school. I ended up going back to my old school and life was now very different. I was a loner in school, did stuff by myself, no one wanted me in their discussion groups. So I was just alone for the rest of my life in high school and this made me feel like I was a misfit.

There are many people who go through the same issue; feeling discouraged for no one understands you and your sexuality, we are put as misfits in our own community where we expect people to love us and care for us. At times we are attacked either verbally or physically but its a passing wind, we might have a long way to go but one thing I know we exist and are here to stay, we are never understood and we are set aside and avoided like we are some kind of plague.....THE MISFITS WE ARE